Thinking Aloud | How I Plan to Fix my Life

I don't want to turn myself into a "How To" specialist and whenever I feel down and think I could share my lesson with a person or two, the thought of sounding like a "How To" writer holds me back. Those articles are not bad and I have absolutely nothing against them. My problem always lies in the fact that I feel there is so much information on these emotional aspects of life so why do I need to write another one. Well, today I have made up my mind to rotate the compass to myself as I write this article, so that I'm not telling you "how to" fix your life but I'm sharing with you how I plan on fixing mine. That should help and maybe when you are done reading this, you will know why I've been so emotionally distant on this blog.

As I'm about to catch up on Being Mary Jane, it dawns on me that I haven't been taking care of myself lately. How have I missed 4 episodes of the new season when I have been waiting anxiously for this show to return? I am a homepreneur, which means that I stay at home most of the time and work from home too. Pretty exciting, you may think but it's really not. Being in the same environment as your bed means that half of the time, you are more comfortable than you should be, an attitude that doesn't always result in productivity at least for me. Dragging myself out of the house in these cold, winter months is not an option, though it is something I secretly wish I could do. It is the better option, honestly, to go out and have a regular 9-5 day in some space then come home and rest. But I don't do that, so from morning till night, I am working or staring hard at my laptop and to-do lists, wondering which of the tasks I can avoid or what we call save for later. Later always turns into a few hours, then a few days until next...

This evening, I had to tell myself that plopping on my couch without my laptop won't be a bad idea, as I need to switch off and just watch Being Mary Jane to relax my mind. Guess what happened? Let me take you back to the moments before I got to the couch.

After eating dinner, I posted on Snapchat that I needed someone's tv login to watch Being Mary Jane. For some reason, it's the only way you can watch it on the BET website. I had to cancel my tv package some months ago when I realized that the $10 option I had was still a waste of money. Let me tell you about the day I got my tv and internet bundle. The lady asked me if I was certain I didn't need any tv. I said "yeeesssss, but do you have any cheaper option?". She said "We have one for 10 dollars". Whaaaatttt? As she tried to list the channels it comes with, half of which I was unfamiliar with, I asked her "Is the FOX you're mentioning the one where Empire shows?" (in my head, FOX News and the TV shows that air on FOX are two different channels. I didn't think FOX could be so fun to air Empire). She said "Yes" and we both let out a laugh! I had to have my Empire time even though I am clearly an undedicated tv watcher. Months in, I canceled. This was fueled by the break period Empire took. I could use an extra $10 every month (sorry to disappoint you but "entrepreneur" does not translate to "rich". At least not for me, yet). 

My friends replied to my Snapchat plea with websites where I could watch BMJ for free on. One of them said "forget tv subscription. Who needs that?". I love my folks! 

I am currently plopped on my couch, covers and everything and as I started the show, I thought of writing this article and pressed pause on the last bits of "Previously..." so that I can have something to look forward to. Didn't I say no laptops were allowed during this ME time? Hopefully that gives you a glimpse into my life of no rest. I actually brought my laptop and camera from my desk to finish transferring pictures. I felt that this time shouldn't be wasted. I can watch tv and sneak in work that I don't have to attend to later, right?

And maybe edit some pictures too. Arrrrgghhhhh!

I'm tired, guys. I really am. I'm always working on one thing or the other and I hate to say it but I am not seeing any results. So before I go off on a trail of ungratefulness, because let's be honest, the Memkoh Brand has grown pretty well over the years and I have a gazillion things to be grateful for, I am going to catch myself right here, right now and end this. I need to fix my life, my thoughts, my time. I have become a shadow of myself, understandably so because I sit in PJs in my house all day. But it's also taking a toll on my life. Last weekend, I had to drag myself to a bridal show I'm yet to tell you about, in a bid to catch some air. So here are a few things I intend to do to fix my life.

We were only given one life. We must light a candle and let it illuminate others lives.

We were only given one life. We must light a candle and let it illuminate others lives.

  1. Watch TV. I initially typed "Watch more TV" but we all know my tv comes on once a month, so "more" is kind of an exaggeration as I watch NO tv. So I will fix that. Bonus points for me if I can watch tv and still have work in my laps. At least I won't be so in my head and in my thoughts all the time. I can laugh at whatever silly things the characters are doing. Please feel free to leave a comment with your favorite tv shows so I can binge and soak my life in another realm. No apologies if I never return caused it.
  2. Go out. Even if it's a walk to get unnecessary take-out. I say unnecessary because if it's not on a day where my fridge is completely empty, I can't justify that purchase. Although I try to do this at least once a month or whenever I can tell myself that the money will still be spent in another way. By the way, I am not at all stingy. I just hold myself because from past experience, when I eat out, I am doing that for the entire week and it all adds up. And these days, I'm too broke to regret spending money on food. So I just stay home and eat Hawaiian Bread. The butter version is life, by the way.
  3. Be more grateful. At the beginning of the year, I was really considering a gratitude journal and had to stop myself when I went to Michael's because I have sooooo many notebooks sitting at home and buying one just because it says "Gratitude Journal" on it is cute but like I said earlier, my bank account does not support this. Days later, my friend told me she is keeping a gratitude journal so I am with her in spirit. I have been trying to jot down my feelings every now and then. I just know I will bail on those days I fall asleep with my laptop doing work. And writing it the next day isn't as raw (which is why I'm writing this now that I am in my feels, before watching BMJ). Side note: It's so funny how I am trying to justify this, that I just turned ME time to work/blog time. Anyways back to being grateful, I want to stop myself whenever I am feeling down to realize that:
    a) Someone wants to be where I am. Starting a business or brand isn't easy and most people don't even have an idea of what they want to do. That I have an idea and I've been doing this for as long as I can remember is something I should be entirely grateful for, everyday.
    b) Someone is looking up to me. I don't know when I turned into a source of inspiration for people, but I guess being in the position I am automatically puts me in front of people who appreciate my work and actually look up to me for advise (which is why I'm also sharing this). We all have our moments and if I can't handle mine, then I'll be letting down those who look up to me or those who I'll be telling in the future how to fix their lives up. I would be lying to myself and those people if I can't handle myself today. So I am grateful for having people who look up to me acting as a check and balance.
    c) Someone wants to have what I have. I talked about someone who may not have an idea of what they want to do but how about those who like myself have the idea and know-how, but not the resources? The very laptop I am typing on right now is a luxury to someone somewhere who would do amazing things if they could just have half of a laptop. The fact that I have this laptop and every other resource I have to fuel my business is something that should bring me joy at all times.
    d) Things will get better. I'm not sure who coined out that phrase but as trite as it may sound, my tears from this week alone will not go unremembered when the good times roll around. In hindsight, I should not have mentioned "tears" in this as my eyes are currently filling up. Slight head pain too, just this instant. Yes, I've been crying that much and on a scale of 1 to 10 for stress, I am at 50.

I can't think again.

I just have to be really grateful because everything in points a-d I wrote above is not something that I think about everyday but being able to write it out and share with you definitely makes me appreciate everything I have so much more. I promise to stop crying (more tears just gathered) and just be grateful. I love what I do so much but not having frequent clients just makes me so so worried. I ask myself questions everyday like "What haven't I done right?" because at this point, I feel like I have done everything I can possibly do with my current resources. I am obviously looking up to God for my big break but a part of me tells me I am not ready because even though I feel like I have too much time now that isn't going into shopping and styling tons of people, I will probably be the same person longing to have more time...for myself. So realizing this makes me want to have a lot of me time, as many as possible, without my laptop of course.

Thank you for reading this outpour of my heart. I should go back to watching Being Mary Jane now. Tomorrow, I hope to advertise the Valentine's Box more because after Saturday, it won't make sense to try to ship anything. I hope you order one; I might include a Gratitude Journal for ya ;) Anything after Saturday and I might not be able to ship it to you in time so please if you are in the U.S and want to indulge yourself or loved one with the Memkoh Valentine's Box, please do it. Arrghhhhhh she's back to work mode again! Did you hear how she sounded just seconds after tearing up? Ok, it's ME time...hits publish and attempts to put laptop away.

Love you for reading this :)